“Microaggressions”: Great Enemies In Relationships

Microaggressions are a covert type of psychological abuse. They are based on persistent and daily contempt, when the other makes use of mockery to steal, little by little, our self-esteem. This type of abuse is not talked about enough because it is not so obvious. It also does not leave marks. And, many times, neither the person who practices it nor the person who receives it is aware of how destructive they are.

To better understand what we are talking about, we will put some simple examples. There are men and women used to saying to their partners: “I love how clumsy you are; you always make my day with your mistakes and spoils ”. “ It is better if I speak, because if you do, we will spoil it.” “Leave it, don’t do it, now I do it, because with those hands that you have, you will surely break everything.”

As we can see, they are situations where even a certain affection is present, a certain closeness. In reality, however, they involve keeping oneself in control while overriding the other person. We suggest you go deeper into the subject. Thus, we will become fully aware of this type of practice, to which it is necessary to react with the necessary energy.

Characteristics of microaggressions

The relationship of a couple is built on some basic pillars: respect, understanding, empathy, intimacy and complicity. When one of these fails, the others begin to weaken as well. Without good communication, for example, there can never be adequate empathy. And without empathy there will not be true complicity either. A healthy relationship is like a strong fabric made up of multi-colored strands where they all harmonize.

The differences are respected because there is a balance in the set of threads that make it up. Microaggressions are as if, day by day, we were pulling a thread until it weakened or separated it from the rest. Small holes are made through which harmony escapes and, therefore, potential moments of happiness. Let’s now see its main characteristics.

Inattention and undervaluation

Inattention and underestimation translate into a declared disinterest towards the other. Therefore, it is also a type of microaggression that is persistently practiced on a day-to-day basis. These would be some small examples that draw the profile of one of the most common enemies of a relationship:

• Ridiculing what the partner likes.
• Not having details that take care of the relationship.
• Never have time to do something with your partner that she likes; no time is good for it.
• Ironing out to other people about what the spouse likes: “Is that he spends the day reading, what a way to waste time …”.

Canceling the other person by making them feel awkward

However, the most complex part of all this is that this practice usually begins in a consensual way. That is, we can come to believe that it is something innocent. And even interpreting that it constitutes another show of affection or attention from our partner towards us.

Here are some examples to ponder:

• The other person begins to take care of things because they affirm that they do them better than us and, thus, save us efforts.
• It is also common for him to publicly express to friends or other relatives, the deficiencies that the couple supposedly has: “It is that he does not know how to cook” or “It is that plate he grabs, plate that breaks. “It is that he makes a mess with the computer …” and so on.
• All of them are exhausting behaviors and very harmful to the self-esteem of any person.

Progressive lack of trust in the partner

As we suffer the impact of microaggressions, we progressively experience many changes in our person. However, if our self-esteem is shattered, it prevents us from becoming fully aware of what is happening to us and why. At best, we feel like we no longer trust our partner.

• We do not do certain things for fear of being reproached or criticized.
• We also stop communicating comfortably with the other person because their language is always permeated with that subtle irony that is so harmful and that hurts so much.

Hence, it is so common that the person victim of this type of abuse takes a long time to react. We have internalized the idea that abuse is only physical. But it is clear that words can also do a lot of damage.

Microaggressions are like soft lunges, barely noticeable. However, they are one more type of aggression. For all these reasons, we must not forget that:

• They are based on contempt.
• They seek to nullify the other in order to acquire power.
• They prevent the other person from being himself, from feeling satisfied for who he is.

• It does not matter what virtues you have, your strengths or your successes. When at least one of the members of the couple has settled into this dynamic, the other person will use microaggressions so that all of this vanishes.

Let’s learn to identify them and, above all, let’s be brave to face them.